gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
