i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
