Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
