I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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