Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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