Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
