i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
