New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
