They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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