Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
