You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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