is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
