I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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