Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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