I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
