I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Randomize
