did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
