3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
