i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
