I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
