You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
me + whiskey = a bad person
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
