You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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