I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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