Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
