I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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