so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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