I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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