I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
