I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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