4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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