so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
