I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
