i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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