A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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