My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
