yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
