You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
