Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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