Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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