How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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