I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
