On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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