just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
