i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
