i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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