Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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