She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
