Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
