Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
