Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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