I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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