Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
