i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
