Even the bartender felt bad for me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
